SLOAN C0LUMN _ A Father’s Day present fit for a king
Editor’s Note: I wrote this column for Father’s Day 10 years ago. To my surprise and delight, it won several awards and was printed in a couple of dozen newspapers across the country. To all you dads out there, Happy Father’s Day! - - -
With Mother’s Day in the rearview mirror, it’s time to start dropping hints for that all-important Father’s Day gift.
Girls, listen up. This year there will be no tacky ties, no imitation leather wallets, or key chains with my initials. Daddy’s gonna tell you exactly what he wants.
It’s not much. Just a little gadget called the Kohler Numi.
What is it, you ask? Why, it’s every father’s dream. It’s the throne on which every king longs to place his royal derriere. It’s the La-Z-Boy of all La-Z-Boys.
Earlier this year the Kohler Company, which has produced the finest commodes the world has offered since the invention of Charmin, unveiled the Lamborghini of flushers. It’s one luxurious loo.
So just how impressive is the Numi? Well, let’s just say it’ll do just about everything but wipe your hiney. Here’s a list of what you get when you roll out about $6,000 in paper:
• An adjustable seat. This “smart” potty can rise to the occasion.
• A motion-activated lid and seat provide hands-free opening and closing. Wife complaining about the seat left up or down? Not my problem anymore.
• There's a built-in bidet, with a “self-cleaning wand” that can be adjusted to your preferred water pressure and temperature. That same wand also features an integrated air dryer for quick drying. Doesn’t your behind deserve the same attention as the $15 car wash down the street?
• Unrivaled water efficiency. This baby has dual-flush technology, which lets you select a partial flush for No. 1s and a full flush for No. 2s.
• Not only is the seat heated, floor-level vents keep your toes warm on cold winter mornings. Remember that butt-numbing sensation of a frigid lid? Now your cheeks, oh yes, and your toes will be nice and toasty.
• Illuminated panels in the toilet provide a gentle glow. No more middle of the night aim issues. Momma’s gonna be happy about that.
• This sleek and shiny pooper has a built in air filtering system which pulls that, well, let’s just say less than pleasant smell through a powerful deodorizing charcoal filter.
• Built-in speakers play FM radio or connect to your iPhone. Yes, that’s right, your iPhone. You can crank it up and get your groove on.
You tell me: Is this a sweet seat or what?
If all this still isn’t enough, this lean, mean latrine machine comes with a removable handheld touch-screen remote that lets you control settings for up to six, err, users in a dozen different languages. Not too shabby, huh?
There are, however, a few other options I’d like to add to this arsenal of water closet weaponry if available.
• Racing stripes would be nice. You can never look too sporty.
• A TV/DVR, just in case the situation calls for an extended stay and you don’t want to miss a moment of the big game.
• A motion–activated audio response mechanism that causes the digitized voice of a sports announcer to say such things as “Way back, it could be, it is … a home run!” or “He … could … go … all... the … way!” or “He shoots, he scores!” at that climactic moment.
So there it is, girls. Nothing’s too good for dear old dad, right? Right? Right?
Just as I figured. Headphones on and busy texting, they didn’t heard a single word I said.