SLOAN COLUMN: A sizzlin’ sign of the apocalypse
Not too long ago, my beautiful and oh-so-lovely fiancée, Deb, returned from a trip to the grocery store. After hauling numerous bags inside, the two of us set about putting everything away.
It didn’t take long before something in one of the bags caught – nay, demanded - my attention.
What follows is the edited version of the conversation that ensued. To be fair, Deb would probably insist it was more of a one-sided rant on my part rather than a true conversation between she and I.
Me: “Hey Deb, what the heck is this?”
Deb: “Oh, that. I’d never seen those before and thought we’d give them a try.”
Me: “But what are they? What are Sausage Strips?”
Deb: “It’s sausage shaped like bacon.”
Me: “Seriously? What imbecilic moron with an extreme brain cell deficit came up with this idea? Why?”
(At this point I inspect the package. “Johnsonville Sausage Strips,” the package trumpeted, “let you enjoy the satisfying sausage flavor in a strip you can cook and use like bacon.”
Me: “This might be the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. It’s poser food, Deb. It’s not really sausage and it’s not really bacon. If you want sausage, then eat sausage. If you want bacon, then eat bacon. Why would you need sausage that looks like bacon? This is just plain wrong. There is enough confusion in this world, so why create more? What on God’s green earth would possess someone to mess with Mother Nature? Sausage is supposed to come in links or patties, the way God intended sausage to be made. Bacon comes in strips. It’s that simple. What are they going to do next, start selling bacon that looks like sausage? Are they going to call them Bacon Links or Bacons Patties? Good Lord! And don’t even get me started on Beverly sausage. You know what? The same moron who came up with the bright idea of selling sausage in a can is probably the same one who thought, ‘Hey, I’ve got a great idea. Let’s make sausage that looks like bacon.’ Somebody needs to put that person’s brain through a meat grinder.”
(Pausing to catch my breath, I look up to see Deb rolling her eyes. She knew I wasn’t going to let this go. Remember that scene from the movie ‘Animal House’ when Bluto asks his Delta House frat brothers, ‘Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?’ Then Boone whispers to Otter, who is about to interject, by saying, ‘Forget it. He’s rolling.’ This was kind of the same thing.
Me:” Hey, listen to this. This is what’s printed on the back of the package: ‘At Johnsonville, we are obsessed with sausage, so naturally we’re always looking for new ways to enjoy it. When we thought to slice sausage like bacon, and then combine it with great sausage flavors like maple, chorizo, spicy, and our original recipe, we thought we had a pretty darn good idea and needed to share it with the world.’ Share it with the world? They can kiss my kielbasa.
“You know, hon, this could really open up a big ol’ can of stupid worms. Think of all the ignorant things that could follow. How about hamburgers that are made of hot dogs? I have no idea what hot dogs are made of, but you see what I’m saying. What about hot dogs that are made of hamburger? Could it get any more un-American? Made by Johnsonville, right? Are we going to see brats that taste like meatballs, or meatballs that taste like brats? Where does it stop? I’m telling you, this is a sign of the apocalypse.”
Deb: “You’re getting a little red in the face, dear. Did you take your blood pressure medicine this morning?”
Me: “I’m telling you, some things just ain’t right, and this is one of them. You know what? When you serve this, make sure you don’t tell the person eating it what this stuff really is and watch their face. I promise you it will confuse the hell out of them.”
Deb: “Are you finished? I was thinking about making breakfast for dinner. Do you want me to make some turkey bacon.”
Me: “Sounds good.”